XXXJay, one of the owners of OCcash ( a large and successful program ) , has a life that's been about colorful as they come for adult paysite owners today. Hunker down and read this ambush - what a life! Impressive!
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GFY Ambush Interview thread on XXXJay
What exactly did you use for lube when you were in prison?
The grease from the thousands of cheeseburgers that seem to be contributing to your corpulence.
OK, so really - how many times did you get fucked in jail?
LOL, I hate to throw the hetero in your prison rape fantasy, but (butt) the number of times I got fucking in jail was ZERO. Instead of taking a five year sentence in a state prison when I might really actually have to deal with some shit like that, I opted for six months in one of those boot camps -- guys are not in there long enough to start getting so desperate that even VirtuMike or Sleazydream might start looking good!
Whoa, did I just say that?
Although, I will give the sadistic redneck corrections officers some credit…the first guy you run into during the intake process was the most flamingly gay guy they had locked up, but I suspect he already had plenty of sugar in his tank before he got there.
Admit it - you got raped in jail didn't you?
Nope, sorry to disappoint but I has released with my anal virginity still intact. Although, I am VERY HAPPY that you were not there. Sleazy, you are a big guy – I doubt I would have been able to fight off your advances…just look what happened to Derek:
What's it like being internet porno content?
I guess you are talking about the “Porn Stud Search” debacle that most people are familiar with. I can say that it was a less than glamorous event. I’ve stunt cocked a few times, but the PSS thing is what most peeps know me from.
It was at Internext in Florida three years ago. I was hanging out at the Topbuck’s Pornopalooza party with Marc and some of the other Consumption Junction guys when the Porn Stud Search crew came around looking for male talent. Marc tried to egg me on into doing the scene, but I declined. Then the lady that shot it pointed out these two white trash Britney look-alikes dancing up on the stage and I said, “Fuck it, I’m in.”
I signed the model releases which included a video taped statement that I was sober at the time – which, of course was an abject lie. I had been drinking since noon and it was like 2AM at this point.
So, the producer comes out and says that we are ready, I walk around the corner, and in place of the Britney look-alikes is one geeked out / worn out porn slut with coke snots dribbling from her nose talking about how she couldn’t wait to retire. I almost backed out, but I said “fuck it, I’m not going to be a pussy – I’m going through with this” – even though Topbucks had pulled a BAIT AND SWITCH on me.
(Oh yeah, Topbucks – my attorney says use of “BAIT AND SWITCH” techniques is “actionable” – hahaha.)
Anyhoo, you would have thought they would have got a room or something, but no they didn’t. We did the scene on some shitty pool furniture just outside the party, the security guard came by every 10 minutes to kick us out while filming, and a crew of 20 something hecklers had now gathered.
In spite of all of these obstacles, I just stayed in focus. All of the odds were against me…I was wasted, no Viagra, no sexual chemistry, cold impersonal condom / hooker sex, but I still pulled through by blocking the gnarly porn slut out and mentally picturing myself having sex with my girlfriend.
Now, all’s I said was I pulled through -- I didn’t say it was good or anything. In fact, it was some of the worst sex I had had in years.
One moon mission doesn’t make someone a full time an astronaut, but one porn will make you a “porn star” for the rest of your life. Maybe, I wanted to add that to my resume.
My girlfriend left me when she saw the video on the internet a few weeks later, but Ron Jeremy gave me a 7 (on a scale of 1 to 10), Topbucks is still my #1 affiliate program, and Topbucks Lee says I was almost enough to make her start liking men again – so, all’s well that ends well.
In the future, if the chicks were hot enough -- I’d do it again.
What's with the Jagger obsession?
Could it be the fact that I write poetry to the bottle? (and normally I think poetry is gay)
There is this purple drink
It makes my liver rot
It often makes me puke
But it is my favorite shot
It’s like choking down cough syrup
Goddamn it makes me sick
But somehow I can’t seem
To get enough of it
Jagermeister…it’s not just for breakfast anymore!
Or could it be this?
pics of tattoos
What’s not to like about Jaeger? It goes well with fish, poultry, the finest Kobe beef and when you vomit these meals up later you will actually have the pleasure of tasting your dinner twice. It’s win / win!
OK, in all seriousness…I just love the shit -- some of my finest anti-social moments have come courtesy of Jagermeister!
Talk about your time on Jerry Springer and the exposure and ratings.
The Springer thing was an interesting ride. It all went down at the height of Springer-mania in 1998. I had a friend who was a scout for Jerry Springer guests. He says to me, “Jay, you are a ham – you should go on the Springer Show.” I said, “Sure.”
A few days later, one of the Jerry Spinger producers called me and said that they wanted to cast me for a boyfriend who was jealous because their girlfriend was posing for Playboy or some shit. I told them that I was not the guy for the part, but if they wanted a pimp, a drug dealer, or any other kind of scumbag -- I was their man. They asked me to send in a headshot and when they got it, they agreed -- I looked like a total scumbag.
A few weeks later, they call me and want to cast me as a pimp who will not let his hoes out of servitude until they pay back the money they owed. I accepted this role. A few weeks after that I am holed up in a motel room in downtown Chicago with a friend of mine and a bunch of people I didn’t even know whom were all going to be on the show with me.
This was back when Jerry was still showing all of the fights -- my friend and I agreed that we were not going to fake it and would really try to kick each other’s asses. The show taped on Monday and we were in Chicago from Thursday till then rehearing for a few hours a day in the hotel room with the producer -- but, really, most of that time was spent at various bars in Wicker Park District getting hammered.
Monday came around and we had to be at the studio at 9AM – we had all partied all night and hadn’t really slept at all. I didn’t bring any decent clothes, so they had to rush me to a mall just and hour before they show taped to buy me a brand new Armani suit. I looked pimp as fuck. Right about then reality started hitting me – hey, I’m not an actor…I’m not a pimp…what the fuck am I doing here? I was actually pretty nervous.
When the show started taping, I sat backstage and watched the girl who was supposed to my prostitute do her thing. When Jerry was asking questions she actually started crying…it was great! She set me up so well. When I went out to play my part as a pimp, I was still pretty nervous. I just went out, acted like the biggest asshole bastard you’ve every seen (not a big stretch), and when I saw I was getting a reaction from the audience I just started dominating and talking mad shit. My friend came out, we beat on each other, talked about slapping hoes, and the show ended with me doing a big improve monologue about how pimpin’ ain’t easy. It was pretty classic.
The episode aired on Halloween 1998 (which was a Friday) – when the ratings came out on Monday…it was the first time Jerry had ever beat Opera in the ratings. The Springer Show was thrilled to death, needless to say -- they were now the #1 daytime talk show and they had done it on my episode. My first show actually wound up being the highest rated Springer episode of all time. By Monday afternoon I was getting a call to come back and shoot more shows. I wound coming back and shooting 2 more shows playing the same character for them which both went over really well.
After I did my shows, the producers cut the guy who originally got me on and started calling me to get guests for the show. In the next few months I had gotten half of my scumbag and stripper on the show. During that same period, I started getting followed around by all of the news media and undercover reporter dudes that were trying to be the first to break the “Springer is not real story” – (I mean, seriously, why don’t they just do an expose on how there isn’t an Easter Bunny?) – It was surreal. I never talked to them though.
A few weeks later 20/20 was the first to break that story with another “fake” group of guests. The Springer People made the producer that I worked with the scapegoat for all of the “fake” episodes and said that it was all the actions of “one rouge producer”, but that was all a bunch of BS. Everyone on the Springer staff, including Jerry, knows the shit is bogus – hell, I even wore one of his Armani suits because, at $2,500 a piece, they were too expensive to get ripped up in brawls. Do you think Jerry couldn’t notice that?
Castles made of sand, fall in the sea…eventually…
It was a fun ride while it lasted. That was the Springer Incident.
What's with the nazi stuff?
First let me say that I am neither racist or anti-Semitic – in fact, I have WAY MORE Jewish and Black friends than your average white person does and they all know that I’m not serious. At the same time, I am fascinated by history – in particular the dark periods in it. I love to read about Genghis Khan, The Vikings, The Spanish Inquisition, ect – it just find the shit interesting. My favorite is WWII. I find it amazing that one failed artist like Hitler can turn the world on its head like he did.
As brutal mass killing regimes go, Hitler was a hack -- coming in a mere 3rd behind Stalin's 29 million and Mau Tse-Tung's 53 million. Hitler's 6 million is paltry in comparison, but for what Hitler lacked in conquest -- he more than made up with in charisma, style, and that cool signature mustache.
You should never let one man's self-righteous right-wing ideologies inspire it's people to now feel it is their divine mission to force their way of life down of all civilization's throats and then attempting to attain world domination through a combination of fear, propaganda, and brute military force…
There’s a lot you can learn about your furure by reading about the past:
pic of George Bush
Any clearer now?
What happened with the xbiz false C.P. accusation?
OK, here’s what happened with that whole XBiz mess. I was down in Tampa buying a house the day before this summer’s Internext show. I get into Ft Lauderdale and go out to some of the parties on the first night and stay out pretty late. I wake up around 1PM and check my voice messages and my box is full. It is person after person telling me that they had read in XBiz our film crew from our #1 site, www.brazilbang.com, was just arrested in Brazil and had been shooting underage models.
To add insult to injury, other people read the article, started posting, and at one point there were 9 threads like this on the front page of GFY about it:
By this time, I’ve read so much online that I am wondering if we actually fucked up. We have an exclusive deal with Evasive Angles – they are the people who shoot our content for us and we make websites as derivative works. I call up TTBoy from Evasive Angles just praying that he will answer the phone in Woodland Hills and is not locked up at some graybar motel in Brazil. Sure enough, he answers his phone and tells me they had not even shot in Brazil in over a year (just as I had thought).
So, the next thing I do is get Alec Helmy on the phone and have him come up to our room. He hasn’t even seen the article yet. I show him the article and he calls his writer to see where he is getting his facts. Winds up, the guy took a Routers news feed article about a bunch of guys that really did get arrested in Brazil and cross pollinated it with a thread on some porno gossip site that (incorrectly) said it was us.
Helmy did the right thing – he retracted the article, fired the writer, and had one of his guys respond in the GFY threads. Although, nobody reads retractions -- everyone reads the salacious CP threads.
I felt like the whole CP article painted a giant target on our heads for a 2257 inspection, so we went up to TT’s offices and made EXTRA SURE that everything was legit. You would think that someone who owns the ASACP would realize just how serious a CP allegation is. We had a company balk of a licensing deal at Internext because they didn’t want to take our heat as well.
Our lawyer started getting in our ear about we should take them to court and sue or something, but I’ve always been cool with the XBiz, Gigacash, and the ASACP people so I said no. Then, the Monday after this all went down – the ASACP actually had the nerve to hit us up for a $25,000 donation! This was at that point I was truly offended and we told our lawyer to file a complaint.
I mean…it’s like the company’s left had doesn’t even know who their right hand just accused of being a child pornographer!!! I think it’s pretty fucked up!
After a little while of fucking around with the case we decided to drop it because nothing good ever happens when you get the lawyers involved except getting slapped with a fat legal bill. Plus, I’m cool with the Giga and XBiz guys and I’d like to keep it that way. Though, we were pretty pissed off for a minute.
Now, here was are a few few weeks later and www.occash.com is up for an XBiz Award for “Best New Affiliate Program”…pretty crazy, huh? A lot of people think the voting is rigged but that is kind of proof that its not.
I guess everything turned out in the end. I know that the XBiz article wasn’t intentional and I think they did learn a good lesson from it:
Make sure you check you facts before you accuse you peers of CP…it’s the worth thing you can do in this business.
Just how many whores have you fucked? Male? Female? (include jail time)
Sleazy, by asking “whores” -- do you mean as in girls I’ve paid for sex or just general sluts? If we are talking “just general sluts” – there have been quite a few through the years. When I live lived it Atlanta I pretty much mastered the art of seducing strippers:
Even wrote a song about it:
(How many other Ambushes come with their own song? Played every instrument and sang too -- goddamn I’m talented!)
During my band days I had a good bit of the groupies. I’ve fucked a pretty good variety of civilian pussy – from lawyers, to black chicks (for a while I dated black girls exclusively), the girl who played Caroline in the Outcast video…I’ve done pretty well. I’m no Gene Simmons, but when I die -- one of my regrets won't be getting enough pussy.
I’ve had a decent pit of the porn talent too.
I never really dug the hooker thing, but a guy 14 years my junior, named Dee, (who runs an excellent program Deecash) made me see the error of my ways when he invited me out to Manila a few year ago. Once you start getting the GFE (Girl Friend Experience) from five chicks at a time it changes everything. I’ve messed with hookers before and was one of those lame “I don’t pay for sex guys” till Dee showed me the folly of my ways. I can only be thankful that at such a late hour (age 32) I finally saw the errors of my behavior and have been buying hookers be the dozen ever since. My last trip to Manila I banged 30 girls in 10 days easily (all with a sock on the pickle, of course).
Lastly, for the number of guys – that still stand at ZERO – being GAY is GAY!
What made you decide to burry the hatchet with Baddog??
Baddog had been pissing on my threads for years. I never took it personally. One day I saw a link analyzer in his sig that did catch my interest. I ran into him in San Diego, he gave me the sales pitch for it; I took his card and politely went about my business without ever bringing any of the board shit up.
Two day after that, he’s back pissing on my threads.
Quick aside: I am thinking about putting a breathalyzer on my computer that will not allow me to post on GFY if I have over a .1 BAC.
So anyhoo -- I come home that night wasted, see his post, and proceed to rip into him and thus begun one of the greatest pissing matches in GFY history:
I saw Baddog a few weeks ago at the Gigacash show, talked to him a little bit, realized that maybe we are too much alike and that’s why we butt heads. Plus, he get points in my book because he did the real acid back in the day.
Baddog is cool in my book. So is 12clicks.
Lenny2 is still a whining wannabe-Christian-Apologist / Hypocritical pile of seaming dog turds.
Talk about your educational background.
I went to public schools kindergarten through 8th grade in Connecticut. First week in 9th grade I was thrown out of public school and wound up in Private Catholic School 9th grade through graduation (maybe that explains everything now).
I moved to Georgia and went to Georgia Sate in Atlanta for one quarter and quit to play go on tour with a death metal band --after that, there was no school for me.
Where do you live now and where have you lived?
I was born in Norwich, CT. At the age of 5 my parents moved to Uncasville, CT (which is now best known for the Mohegan Sun). I lived there until I was 18 and then moved to Atlanta -- I lived there for 14 years.
From Atlanta I moved to Huntington Beach, CA -- but, ironicly, couldn't stand the OC.
I now live in the heart of Hollywood in Los Angeles and I love it.
Post pics of your house and other real estate.
Here is my new house in Tampa that I just closed on a few weeks ago. I may live there, I may rent it, and I may flip it. If anybody is looking for a sweet place to live in Tampa and doesn’t mind having me there as a roommate for a couple days a month – hit me up at firstname.lastname@example.org:
And here is the apartment where I spend most of my time in patiently waiting for the California Real Estate bubble to burst:
Here's where all of the magic happens...
How did you make a living doing prank calls?
I would use the term “make a living” very loosely, but I did have a CD of my prank calls put out by a small record label.
You can hear most of them here:
One night a friend of mine and I were tripping our balls off on some acid at a party. He picked up the phone and showed me how you could call an infomercial and keep them on the line forever saying the most ridiculous shit. I tried a few and realized that I was a natural. Just for a goof, I got a digital recorder a few months later and started taping my prank calls. Before I knew it I had 16 hours of calls that I boiled down into around 50 minutes of just the good shit. One thing I am proud of is that I did not edit the calls on a computer to make them sound funnier like The Jerky Boys and Crank Yankers. All I did was pick a starting point / ending and put it all on wax. Some of the shit is pretty damn funny.
You can hear most of them here:
Talk about your music, band and the biggest crowd you ever played for.
The band I’m probably best known for is Dick Delicious and the Tasty Testicles (www.dickdelicious.com) – we were sort of a joke-metal band, but the thing that was different about us was we could actually play quite well. We started in 1992, had a number of small record deals, toured all over the place, and won the Howard Stern Award for excellence in music.
If you want the whole scoop, you can go here:
I just put a myspace profile up a few weeks ago. I never even realized how many fans we really had. We started to do really well after the Stern thing, but we got screwed over again and again by management. I wound up doing all of the business shit myself -- which is something I loath, so I quit right at the peak of our success.
The biggest crowd we ever played for was when we headlined the Milwaukee Metalfest in 2001 which was attended by 20,000 people.
I’ve also done a lot of session guitar work for a lot of the ATL rap producers, including doing a lot of tracks at Outkast’s Stankonia studio. If I told you some of the tracks that my playing has wound up on you wouldn’t even believe me – in fact, I didn’t even know it till I heard it on the radio. If I had just asked for a percentage instead of $300 per session, I wouldn’t be sitting here right now.
Live and learn, I guess.
I played in a few bands here in LA but none could hold my interest. I still record a bunch of shit myself, mostly for my own amusement. Here’s a link:
Here’s links to all of my projects:
What do you consider to be great sex?
Great sex? Well, there are three kinds of great sex, but really only one kind of truly great sex.
1. I usually think that the initial encounter can be very exiting. There’s something about knocking out some puss for the first time that is never as interesting as the times after that. Exciting, but not what I would really consider great.
2. Any time you have two or more girls fucking you – that’s great. I’m a sucker for threesomes, but who isn’t?
3. At the risk of sounding totally lame, the only truly great sex is with someone that you are totally attracted to and have had some practice with, so there is some chemistry there. So, unfortunately, the only 1-1 great sex comes with kind of relationship. If you can fuck the same person again and again and it doesn’t get boring, but keeps getting better and better – that’s when it is truly great. In “A Bronx Tale” the mob boss said you only get “three great women” – these are the only three chicks that I’ve felt that way about:
In your opinion where is SE going to be in 5-10 years? How will it affect the business? Your business?
SEO will always be around. One of the major things that makes SEO so difficult is keeping track of the different changes as to what is going on with what search engine. The fact that 4 out of 5 searches are now done on Google makes in a little easier now. I’ve always played a long term game with my stuff. Sometimes I dominate, sometimes I don’t, but I’m always fairly well placed in the SERPS.
I’ve made an assload of money by mastering SEO and have been able to parlay it into other businesses (like www.occash.com), stocks, and real estate, so I’m not really so much at Google’s mercy if they decide to alter their algorithm.
Contrary to what some people might believe, I take very few SEO clients. If some guy call me and says he “want #1 for sex for his adult toy site” – I tell him “sorry”. If I tell them that my rate is $300 / hr and they start trying to flim-flam I tell them “What part of $300 / hr don’t you understand?”.
Very rarely, I take a client on. If they have realistic goals and are willing to may – MAYBE I will take them.
Talk about 'real stories of the highway patrol.
The “Real Stories of the Highway Patrol” thing happened back in 1993 on my bands first tour (www.dickdelicious.com) – we were on our way to a gig in North Carolina when we got stopped by the cops in Greenville, SC. “Real Stories of the Highway Patrol” was there and the driver signed some shit allowing to film, so it was on.
The camera crew had a field day with our van because, among other things, we had a box full of skimasks, flyers with pictures of us doing drugs and shooting cops, and tons porno mags laying all over the van. After they had gone through the whole van they started going through each of our bags. In my bag they found a quarter of weed. The fucked up thing was that in the bag of weed I had a little bag of speed. I guess the pig was so happy he was gonna be on TV he never checked the bag that carefully. They handcuffed me, took me downtown, and had me before a judge really without even going to jail. They never even saw the seed, so I pled guilty to simple possession of marijuana, was fined $300, and let go. The whole incident from beginning to end was taped.
I’m just thankful they didn’t find the speed because it would have been a felony.
Discuss buying one of the OCCash partners out and running the program.
I got started with OCCash by being their #1 affiliate over a year and a half ago when they were just a CCBill program. I found out about them because my business partner, JC, has shot Rectal Rooter and he found my review of it on Google and he sent me an email about www.occash.com. I was really impressed with the exclusive deal they had with Evasive Angles (they have some really great content) and the design of the sites – I couldn’t believe that they weren’t bigger. I got to talking to JC and Morgan (Gangasouras on GFY) and they started sharing some problems they were having really getting the program blown up. Looking from the outside, I could see how OCCash could probably be a bigtime program like Oxcash or Bangbros.
They explained that they were currently 3 partners – JC running it, Morgan doing the designing, and a last guy was doing some shooting (www.tightbuttholes.com, www.pussyfootgirls.com, and www.penispalooza.com) and was the investor. The only problem being is the guy who was the investor (or his wife) really didn’t believe in the program, he wasn’t really investing any more money, and they were kind of treading water with 2 guys working on it there were barely able to make headway.
Make a long story short: I bought out the investor’s share in the company but then we but him as a content partner (as we do with all of our content guys). Seeing as I was already well established in the Biz -- I lent my name to the program and that bumped it up a notch. I made a bunch of changes that would better monetize the program plus make the affiliates more money, I brought in Chris (best affiliate manager in the Biz) and Ryan (super boy wonder mad science programmer), and paid some of the payroll during the lean times so the program could stop treading water.
It didn’t take long for the program to really start taking off after that. Now the investor didn’t have to put up any more money and was actually making money because our sites were selling, so it really turned out best for everyone.
www.occash.com is kicking major ass and is only getting better and we’ve already been nominated for “Best New Affiliate Program” only a year after we officially got out of beta last October. We’ve really come a long way in a year for a new program without any major financial backing and everyone at OCCash is very proud of that.
Now, me and JC pretty much run the day to day operations.
Discuss dating a girl that couldn't talk for 6 months.
Ahh yes, silent girl – probably the biggest romantic mistake of my entire life -- one day, I am sitting at my house when this friend of mine calls me. He said he had met these two girls that wanted to meet me because they saw the Springer Show. I went down to the bar where they were at. Both of the chicks were pretty hot. One was talking to me and the really hot one was sitting in the corner quiet and just laughing a little. I think my friend was trying to pick her up -- so he gets up from the table, I slide over to her and start spitting game at her.
She says, “I h-h-have a-a-a speech i-m ped-iment…” (aka “I have a speech impediment”)
I felt a little weird, but there was no denying this girl was smokin’. We go back to my house, watch some Southpark, do a couple bong hits, and then I drop them back off. Just as she’s leaving “silent girl” grabs me, starts making out with me, gives me a piece of paper with her phone number on it, and shows me a naked picture of her.
A couple days later I call her -- let me tell you that was a very odd phone call…seeing as she can’t really talk and all. I say, “What do you want to do?” and she says, “M-m-moovie…” (“movie”) – so, we go see Godzilla, come back to my house, and next thing I know -- my nuts wind up ding the windmill! Pretty sweet!
The sad part was the reason she had the speech impediment was she had been in a car wreck, they fucked up when she was in the hospital with the respirators, and it damaged only the part of her brain that dealt with speech. She could write a perfect and very articulate email. Actually, it really sucks for her, but enough of the sentimental shit…you know what that meant for me?
I had a hot as fuck, nymphomaniac girlfriend that couldn’t talk! Whoa, my pimp hand is strong!!
How sweet is that? We went out for 6 months and I wound up leaving her for this girl:
I think she was kind of pissed at me in the end because about a year later, when I was out with the other girl at a concert, she snuck up behind me and ripped on of the earrings out of ear – she stood there holding the bloody ring just looking like she wanted to scream at me…
If she could.
That was silent girl.
Discuss CJ and your work with them.
The CJ thing is actually a funny story. Paul, who is pretty much the main owner of Consumption Junction is 7 or 8 years younger than me and was a fan of my band when he was in high school. Four or five years ago I was walking around on the floor of Internext in Vegas when some guy come up to me, “Hey man, Dick Delicious – I’m a big fan.” It was Paul. I saw on his badge that he was from CJ and people had been telling me that they had been posting our songs, so we started talking. Wound up that we both lived in Atlanta and me and Paul both were equally demented individuals so we became really good friends.
Just for a goof, they gave me a shot at writing some of their homepage – now; keep in mind that I had never really tried to write before. It winds up that I had a gift for molesting the English language and have written somewhere close to 100 homepages for them and was a pretty big hit with the readers. I still write for CJ, but I’ve had a lot less free time because www.occash.com keeps me so busy, but it’s pretty fun to know that you are bending a couple hundred thousand people’s minds every day.
Here are a few of my favorite homepages:
THE DEPARTMENT OF IRONIC PUNISHMENT
The Secret Google Algorithm: Explained
The Suicide Builders
For the Love of Jagermeister and Slayer
Mesh Caps: A Pandemic of Stupidity
Were the Olsen twins high when they hit on you?
Well, it was Mary Kate (the one with the “eating disorder” – wink, nudge) who was showing the most interest, so I would't say its outside the realm of possibility.
For those of you, who have no idea what Sleazy is talking about, consult here:
Why did Oliver Stone wanna knife you?
This one goes back to September of 1999. I was fresh out of prison, on probation, dealing cocaine, and out with a group of fellow Virgos to celebrate our collective birthdays. At Trader Vic's, we had a copious amout of Suffering Bastards, Mai Tais, and assorted rum drinks when our drunkenness brought us to The Clermont Lounge. I have often described the Clermont Lounge as “walking into a David Lynch movie”, but that night, we strolled into Atlanta’s version of Blue Velvet and found none other than, Oliver Stone.
He was sitting at a table with two bodyguards. We are arguing back and forth as to whether it is really him or not. At the time, I had a girlfriend; she was quite something: tall, Brazilian, with an English accent and big boobs. We were supposed to get married one day. Yeah, right. Anyhoo, rather than have one of us guys going over to bug him, we thought it would be better to send the busty English bird -- she got up and sat down with him while we watched from across the room...
Yep, it was him alright – Oliver Fucking Stone.
So she brings him by our table, we shoot the shit with him for a while, where I am clearly introduced to him as her boyfriend, before she goes back over to his table and they continue chatting. It was becoming clear to me that Oliver was becoming quite enamored with my woman. No biggie, it would be cool to tell everybody tomorrow that we were hanging out with Oliver Stone at the Clermont.
If she was the bait – so be it.
It gets toward closing time, Oliver has joined our group and asks what was going on after the bar closed. We decide to do some afterhours shit at my friend Shane’s house. Oliver and his bodyguard follow us over to the house; they drop him off and leave. Oliver is back on my girl like a mosquito to a blood bank. I was starting to feel like Oliver was getting a bit disrespectful, but fuck it -- he's just an old fossil. A few times, I attempted to join in on their conversation but get rudely ignored.
At the time, I was in the midst of a dilemma. I was making my living as a coke dealer, but I felt my girl had a wee bit of a coke problem, so we made the mutual agreement lay off the weasel dust. Yeah, I know…what a stupid idea -- it’s like suffocating someone, holding a bag of air, and charging them to breathe.
Hindsight is 20/20.
After a while, I leave the room and when I come back; they are both gone. I walked into the hall and by the bathroom; where I can here keys jangling, noses snorting, and a British accent saying, “Don’t tell my boyfriend about this…” Then, while lurking in the darkness at the end of the hall, I see them both walk out.
This was getting out of hand. It was time to check Oliver’s ass, but how best to do it? No point in kicking his ass. He’s an old fart. I had to do something though, I don't care who the fuck he thinks he is – the pompous bastard.
Then it hit me.
I go in the bathroom, lock the door, and pull the massive bag of boogger sugar I was slinging out of my pocket. I chop out a line that would choke Scarface and snort it in one go. I was gacked off my face.
It was time to exact my revenge.
Without warning, I plop down on the couch between Oliver and my ex. It was Showtime! Now, keep in mind, I am taking mercy on you, o’ fine CJ readers, by paraphrasing what followed. Trust me, for very one word printed here -- five came out of my mouth that night.
It was glorious.
“Hey Oliver, Hey Oliver...you do movies, right? I got this idea for a film! It’s about these guys who are in college and are living in this house on campus and are selling weed. One day, this crazy Irish guy shows up on their porch and just sits there -- all creepy and shit. These guys have weed in the house, so they are like totally afraid to call the cops. Well, he just loiters there on the front porch for days; not saying a word and really bugging these kids out. So you know how he’s on the porch and he’s Irish, right? They start calling him Patty...Patty O’ Furniture!”
Oliver stares back blankly.
“Dude, do you get it? Patty ‘O Furniture!! Doesn’t that fucking RULE?!”
Oliver continues glaring back, barely able to hide his annoyance as I continue:
“So, one night they have this keg party at the house, and, you know, Patty O furniture is Irish, so he likes to drink! Right? Then, all these frat boys crash the party and drink the keg dry. So, Patty o’ Furniture gets pissed as shit when the alcohol runs out and flies into a psychotic rage and starts butchering the frat boys with an axe. Then, more frat boys arrive with more beer; Patty massacres them all and drinks their beer. Then the other fraternities send rescue parties to discover the fate of the first two groups and he wastes the rescue party! By the end of the movie, Patty o’ Furniture has killed every frat boy in town. Wouldn’t that be fucking great man? Making a movie about a drunken Irish serial killer slaying frat boy after frat boy? Fuck yeah. So, if you want, you can help me with it?”
Oliver responds, “That’s great. Now get the fuck out of my face you asshole.”
“No, wait dude, that’s just part one!” I say, grabbing hard on to his sleeve in cocaine frenzy. “Part Two is Patty O’ Furniture Goes to Vegas. So anyway, Patty o’ Furniture is in Caesars Palace playing some blackjack. You know how, like in Vegas, as long as you are gambling -- they keep bringing you free drinks, right? So, Patty has been playing for a few hours when he starts to loose. As soon as he has no more money, they have to stop bringing him free drinks, so he goes nuts and starts slaughtering waitresses, blackjack dealers, and old ladies playing slot machines. The police seal the casino off and Patty o’ Furniture is forced to flee. He runs further and further into a secret hidden labyrinth in Caesars Palace. All along, the cops are hot on his trail as he winds further and further back into the catacomb. Eventually, he reaches a dead end, where a secret ceremony is going on. In the room is an altar with a virgin tied to it, Wayne Newton is singing showtunes backwards in Latin, and Sammy Davis is standing before the alter of sacrifice with a dagger giving praise to the mighty Infernal Lord Lucifer. Patty realizes that he has reached the end of the line and runs, attempts to take cover behind the altar but is mowed down in a hail of gunfire and dies right on top of the sacrificial virgin! And that’s how the second movie ends...”
By this time, Oliver’s face is turning red and his blood pressure looks like it’s about to go off the chart. He is so angry he can barely speak, and I don’t give him the chance…
“Ok, Oliver…you know how Patty o’ Furniture dies on top of that virgin at the end of my second movie – right?”
He starts screaming at me, “Will you get the fuck out of my face? NOW!”
Undaunted, I forge ahead, “Well that leads into my third movie: PART III: THE SON OF PATTY O’ FURNITURE…”
At this point Oliver snaps and pulls some exacto knife thing out of his pocket, and starts running about the house trying to stab me with it while yelling, “I’LL CUT YOU, I’LL FUCKING CUT YOU! YOU BASTARD -- I’LL FUCKING CUT YOU!!”
It was, truly, one of my defining moments.
With that, I left the party. Fuck Oliver Stone! He’s a dickhead. When he makes a picture of my life, it’s gonna be a porno movie!
What kind of car(s) do you own? pics
Here’s my main ride – Cannondale F800.
I only drive about 15-20 miles a week. I am an avid mountain bicyclist, so I put way more miles on my bike. Plus, I don’t drive drunk…so if I’m out, it’s cabs and limos for me.
For when I absolutely have to drive I’ve got an 2004 Eddie Bauer Expedition. I’ve had it for 2 years and it has like 12,000 miles on it. LOL
I’m like RogerV…I don’t really give a crap about cars.
Were you high on Howard Stern? Discuss.
Yes, we were more fucked up than Jesse Jackson’s checkbook. The show tapes at 7AM -- so, we wound up staying up all night hanging out at Scores and shit. At some point, someone decides that it would be a good idea to start taking this acid we had on us. So around 4AM, we all drop. We all went in there tripping our balls off – like peaking. I guarantee you that nobody has been as fucked up as we were on that show…ever! I was so fucked up that Howard looked like the Crypt Keeper from “Tales from the Crypt”!
In hindsight, I kind of wish that we didn’t get so fucking whacked out. Normally, I’m a pretty funny / off the cuff guy, but I will say that I was so cracked out when I went on that show – I wasn’t quite up to my normal witty self.
Howard was super cool to us though. He didn’t rank on us at all. It was pretty sweet. We sold a ton of CDs from that appearance.
What were the rules of the room in Amsterdam?
I am going to hold that one off till the end becasue Odie told me Young Bloodz (Barry?) has a the video of me actually reciting them.
If one of you guys an find that video send it to email@example.com.
Who do you think found the lost sheet of "L"?
If you mean by “L” = “lost sheet of LSD”. I will have to say that my cats have been acting really funny.
Discuss what it's like to get high, your drug use and thoughts on this.
I’ll have to say I’m a fan of drugs. I pretty much will do about any drug you put in front of me if the time if right. The difference between me and most drug users is I have control over my drug use. I do not let it have control over me. If it gets to the point when the drugs are running your life…you need to quit.
I smoke pot, but not nearly as much as I used to…really, I barely smoke at all these days. I like pot because it makes me creative. It’s good to smoke when I am writing music or articles – of course; I edit the stuff again sober later.
I do blow (devils dandruff, weasel dust, bugger sugar) occasionally – although it’s mostly just a tool for me to drink longer. The thing with coke is it actually has the opposite effect on me that it does most people. Instead of making me talkative and outgoing it makes me very quiet and reserved. I don’t even like cocaine unless I’m really wasted.
Ecstasy can be fun, but lately, instead of making out with a bunch of random girls all night – I find myself spending the whole evening puking in plants.
LSD is my absolute favorite drug of all time – the trouble is, it is almost impossible to find. If you know where some is…please hit me up.
Mushrooms are great, so is peyote and mescaline.
I’ve tried heroin a few time. It pretty much rules, but I am smart enough to stay away from it. I think enough bad shit has been said about heroin.
I love Xanax because they make me sleep great.
I don’t do speed because the shit is nasty and I did try it once. I was awake from like 1993 though 1996. I had a problem with it, so I don’t touch it anymore.
I hope I didn’t hold too much back on that one. Hahaha.
Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? this business?
Hopefully, in five years www.OCCash.com with be a mega huge program like Bangbros, Silvercash, or Nastydollars…we’ve definitely put in the work and have good product.
In ten years it is my goal to be retired. I’ve been taking the money I’ve been making, living just a little below my means, and investing a lot of the money I have in stocks and real estate. In ten years, it is my goal to be living off my investments.
As far as the business goes…the genie is out of the bottle now. It’s not going anywhere. In the current political climate – there are a lot of threats to the business. I think it would be a bad move politically for Bush to make a move against porn, especially seeing as how he is getting his ass handed to him by Katrina, all of the Republican scandals, and his Supreme Court antics. There are those out there who are looking to do us in.
On the bright side, the political pendulum has swung so far the right – it is only a matter of time before it starts to swing back left again and we can be done with of of this religious insanity. I can’t believe in today’s age that anyone would seriously consider basing a system of government on a book that has been translated at the whims of kind and monarchs, deals with a snake in a garden, a giant flood with and the hero of the whole shebang is a dead man hung with nails. That is so fucking Dungeons and Dragons! I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that you would have to be an idiot to believe in that shit.
What are you favorite adult webmaster gatherings?Least favorite?
Let’s see…my favorite one in terms of which is the most fun is a toss up between the YP Mexico Trips and the summer Internext in Florida. The most fun I had ever at a webmaster event was the YP Mexico:
Saturday, September 28th: A Day That Will Live in Infamy
10:00 AM -- The day began harmlessly enough: shooting tequila and smoking Mexican dirtweed over steaming, nearly sanitary plates of chorizo and tacos at a local cantina in the sleepy Mexican town of La Salinas, about an hour south of Tijuana.
11:30 AM – Vomit profusely.
12:30 PM – Though perfectly satisfied by lazing on the beach all day with a with a keg of Dos Equis perched on the lounge chair beside me, I am inexplicably cajoled into donning a funny shirt and physically exerting myself on the golf course, an activity I’ve only done once before.
12:31 PM – First beer consumed on course. Spirit livens.
12:35 PM – One of our “party” steals a bottle of cheap tequila from the snack bar, “allegedly”. Much laughter and merriment ensues.
4:00 PM – Second case of beer finished. B.A.C. officially exceeds par for the course.
4:25 PM – In a two-sport super event unheard of since Bo Jackson, golf meets motocross to seriously damage the undercarriages of two $4000 golf carts. Let’s keep that between us.
5:22 PM – Vomit profusely.
6:00 PM -- Things take a turn for the ridiculous, as a member of our foursome, heretofore known as Iron Man Tucker, in a blaze of beer-assisted idiocy, jumps on to the roof of my moving cart and does his best impression of Teen Wolf, before being promptly launched 15 feet into the hard metal side of another cart. We captured the events on video, but, regrettably, our cameraman had an unexpected surge of humanitarianism, causing him to lay the camera down and miss the key footage of Iron Man colliding with the earth. Rest assured, he’ll be hogtied and beaten with reeds for that infraction. Regardless, much laughter and merriment ensued.
7:30 PM – After multiple such incidents of sporting tomfoolery, we are escorted through the last 3 holes by security. We were on golf probation – how shameful. Bring on the merriment, and yes, the vomit too.
9:00 PM – Back at the house on the beach, time is dragging, the beer is long gone, and only one last hope for a good time remains. Our errant cameraman redeemed himself in grand fashion. He had a copy of Hunter S. Thompson’s Hell’s Angels, upon which he had dropped an undetermined amount of acid (how apropos) almost a year ago. Unsure of whether the tricky liquid would still be effective, we decided to eat the entire page for good measure.
11:00 PM – The mission was a failure. The acid is no good.
11:03 PM –Hmmm… I think the wall is looking at me.
11:12 PM – You know, I never noticed the how big the pores on Rick’s neck are – and why are they pulsating like that?
11:21 PM – Sweet Mother of Fuck! I’m tripping my goddamned balls off!
12:00 AM – Shit, the hallucinations must be kicking in, because I’d swear about a dozen Mexican police cars and two paddy wagons just pulled up in front of the cantina.
12:01 AM – Run. Run quickly.
12:05 AM – Ok, so now we’re hiding from the federales in a large cactus on the beach, I’ve got enough acid in my head to send Timothy Leary into a permanent psychosis, and I’m fighting the urge to blow an economy sized can of pre-mixed Nestle Quik all over the inside of my shorts. A baby bung gopher escaped, but, luckily, I managed to close the floodgates behind him. Let the gopher work his way down your leg, Paul, and make its way into the dark, anonymous cactus. Be discreet, and no one will be the wiser. Yes, you are a fucking smoothie, Paul.
1:30 AM – Feces contained, and no longer trying to communicate with the wart on my finger through ESP, we worked up the courage to trundle down the beach and see what was to be seen. Being in the middle of Nowhere, Mexico, expectations for anything other than a night of psychedelic-induced star drooling were low, which, quite honestly, I was content with. Vomit profusely.
2:00 AM - Holy shit, we just walked into a rave on the beach. No shit, thousands of Mexican ravers in sparkling pants dancing to four different pounding DJs while a $50,000 laser and visual light show blasted over our heads and out into the Pacific Ocean. I’m not much of a raver (junglist, breakbeat, electronica kid, or whatever-the-fuck they want to call themselves) but this was an impressive setup, especially with a head full of acid. I wondered if perhaps we might be able to find more drugs.
2:04 AM – Found drugs.
2:30 AM to 7:00 AM – A total blur.
7:30 AM – Leave the rave and wander back to the town we were staying in, where we proceed to plunder the last remnants of any stray liquor bottles we could find – mostly at other people’s homes. You’d be shocked how, at this hour of the morning, almost any combination of alcohol can be palatable.
8:30 AM – Vomit profusely.
10:00 AM – Drive into town with a frying pan full of weed, find a restaurant, and eat tacos and drink until passing out. Vomit profusely in sleep.
Twenty-four hours, hundreds of drinks, one soiled pair of Joe Boxers, a few hundred dollars worth of drugs, four livers, and countless lost braincells later, the circle completes itself. Viva Mexico.
I will continue with this thread later...bringing you worst and other stuff...I've got to me Mike from Smashbucks and go drinking.
I go to one of those. At the last one (I don’t remember this, this is just how it was explained to me) – apparently I was sitting in the pool throwing chunks of watermelon at black people and screaming about “reparations”. The rest of the OCCash crew had to give me Xanex and put me out. I am really lucky to be alive and quite ashamed at my behavior.
My favorite event as far as business development is the Phoenix Forum.
I’ll have to say that the winter Internext is fast becoming my least favorite. There are just way too many people there, I seem to get sick every time, and they put it right smack in the middle of a bunch of other big conventions. I never seem to get any business done there.
And, of course, Webmaster Access Europe is cool because that is when I finally got to really meet Sleazy!
How many tats do you have? Why? Discuss in detail. Experience any prejudice because of them?
Both of my arms are almost completely covered, so I really only consider it to be 2 really big tattoos. The first one I got was Satan surfing on a piece of bacon and the other one I got was a butcher diagram of a pig that resembled a cop with all of the different cuts of the pig each labeled as characteristics of what is wrong with cops – plus, the pig is holding the scales of justice weighed down with donuts and stepping on lady justice’s head.
For a long time I was content with just the two tattoos because they were both really cool and they both were symmetrical. I’m picky about who does my tats and the guy who did the original two banged my girlfriend while I was locked up – that kind of threw a wrench in our friendship for a few years. I met a guy out here who I could communicate my twisted idea to and he could draw out really well, so I just said “fuck it” and went for it and decided to get full sleeves.
The two tats that started it all:
I’ve never really experience and prejudice because of them other than hooking up with a shitload of girls that dug me because of the tats. I’ll take that kind of prejudice any day.
Why won't you sit on traffic panels? Yet, still ask public questions and answer them as well?
Haha, actually I would be more than happy to sit on a traffic panel – I’ve just never been asked.
One thing that kind of pisses me off about a lot of these panels at shows is you get all jazzed up because you think you are going to learn something, they get all of these people who are from different companies up there and all they don’t even really talk as much about the subject of the panel as much as the do pitching their business to you. I like to call it “live spam”.
Some of the people I like listening to on panels that don’t do that kind of shit are people like Lensman, Tony Morgan, and Sleazydream.
I wasn’t trying to hijack any of those TGP owners time in Amsterdam – I just figured that I would throw a wrench in the mix with some actual advice about traffic filtering for the people that really wanted to come there and learn something, but I think what most people really took for that panel was this:
“Is a dog’s mouth really cleaner than a human’s?”
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